Supermom: Ensuring the survival of the human race (literally)

She runs with the speed of light at the sound of  a cry. She heals all wounds and comforts without the use of magical powers. She can prepare dinner, keep a social calendar and return the house to normal at the end of the day all while ensuring the survival of a little human. She’s not superwoman, oh no, she’s much more than that; she’s SUPERMOM.

Talk about ensuring the survival of the human race. Okay, so Super-man, woman, whatever, can scale buildings, fly, rescue people in distress and monitor the general well-being of society. Reality check: If it weren’t for Supermoms the world over, there would be no one rescue. Who do you think makes sure that the little tots causing havoc become well-adjusted adults who get themselves in to stupid situations that require saving? Oh poor Superman, flying around the city saving people and squeezing into telephone booths to keep his disguise a secret. What a diva. Supermom has one outfit that is guaranteed to get stained, spat on, and generally mistreated throughout the day. There’s no changing this, or hemming that. In fact, shoulder stains and little tears are all part of what protects Supermom from the threat of good looking men who lurk around grocery stores or take long casual walks during their lunch break. These men may look to initiate conversation at places like the playground, the coffee shop or the doctor’s office, but thanks to looking like a complete and utter bum, Supermom maintains her honour and is able to focus on the task at hand; preservation of the species.

Not only is Supermom charged with monitoring and evading injuries, illnesses and potential threats, she also does all the prep work for these so-called superheroes everyone worships. Did you ever notice what a clean place Superman has in which to conduct his fabulous shenanigans? That’s because there are no adults taking a pooh on the side of the road. Because SuperMOM trained them not to. Otherwise your job wouldn’t seem so glamorous now would it? “Superman! Keeping clean the roads of Gotham City.” Wait, that’s not right. That’s Batman. The guy who owns the Batmobile and has a funky lair to return home to at the end of the day. A nice and cozy little set-up, don’t you think? No no, Superwoman has no bodacious car to drive around that basically handles itself and you better bet your Batbelt that when she returns home, Alfred didn’t clean it up before she got there. Superwoman typically drives around a big-ass caravan or SUV equipped with nothing but a permanently screaming child perched in the back seat. She has mastered the art of concentration to overcome what can only be compared to someone blowing a whistle in your ear wherever you go. Without fail, she manages to get both herself and her child safely to their  final destination.

Oh, you want to step it up a notch? Okay, let’s get physical. Thanks to lugging around a 20lb baby (plus car seat) all day, every day, Supermom has biceps that could knock you out in one punch. Sure she’s no match for the Hulk, but she doesn’t have to get all angry every time she wants to get strong. In fact, she’s not allowed to lose control, otherwise the little human under her charge may not survive the night. Supermom must remain in control at all times, bite down her anger, and stay calm. She is both ninja and warrior, practicing the art of self-restraint while readying herself to fend off enemies that appear spontaneously in the forms of allergens, aggressive pets and seriously unhygienic passers-by who, without notice, will reach out and infect the minion with dirty hands and smokers nails. Hand sanitizer is her weapon of choice, baby wipes her best friend and freedom, but a concept that started slipping away the moment she peed on the end of a bright blue stick. Trudging forth without complaint, under constant scrutiny by society as a whole, and with nothing but instinct to guide her, she marches into the unknown and does her best to forward the existence of the human race.

Braver than Batman, stronger than Superman and more heroic than any Hulk, she is Supermom. Protecting the fate of children everywhere.