Remember those days when last minute, we’d all decide to meet downtown for drinks, spend hours re-hashing the ups and downs of the past week and brainstorm over trips we’d take and plans we’d make with all that extra time we have floating around?
No, neither do it.
And I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I birthed a human and now I can’t commit to anything if it’s not on my calendar 3 months in advance. Don’t misunderstand me. I LOVE going out. My post-baby booty loves to shake it and I am dying to mingle with fun-loving adults. Anyone in fact, who doesn’t pull my hair, slap my face or expect me to eat food they’ve graciously pre-chewed.
What’s stopping me, you ask? Let’s start with the babysitter. Mainly, the fact that I don’t have one, and my husband’s out of town. I mean, of course there are the grandparents, but I’ve already reserved them at strategically dispersed intervals throughout the next year, so I don’t really want to push it. There’s the neighbour’s daughter who is amazing with my daughter but has school commitments and you know, a life, and unfortunately she’s not free on Saturdays. There is that other babysitter who charges like $20/hour… I guess maybe I could get her. If we leave at 5pm to get there for 6:30pm, that’s dinner from 6:45-8:30pm – and then dancing you say? Yes, of course dancing. That goes until, what…11pm? Ahem, oh yes of course I meant 1am, obviously. So at $20/hour (maybe I can negotiate down to $15 or so) that will cost me around $120. Plus gas. No big deal (gulp). Maybe I just won’t drink? Genius! A sober night off. I’ll rememeber more this way. Phew! Glad that’s taken care of.
Now I should probably warn you… I haven’t showered yet and I haven’t washed my hair in like 3 days. While I can probably squeeze in a rinse off, its not likely that I can manage to look all that presentable before it’s time to get my drink on. Even if I did do my hair, I’d have to do it during nap time and it would just fall out before we meet. This, coupled with the fact that I now have mad bags under my eyes and haven’t done my own laundry in over a week (my daughter’s, I’ll have you know is entirely up to date) means you’ll basically be spending the night with a greasy version of my former self spotted with milk stains and some tomato based pasta sauce that was wiped all over me last time I attempted a grown up outing. But don’t worry, I’ll load myself up with perfume so at least I’ll smell nice.
Okay, babysitter – check! Decent-ish? Check! Let’s do this. Oh! I just got a text and the babysitter’s going to be late. 3o minutes later… Ops! She just got here, exciting! We’re heading out! Okay, we’re almost heading out. My toddler has to pooh and isn’t comfortable going potty with the sitter. Just a sec. Crap! No, literally, crap. There is crap all over my blouse. I’ll just go change. And put on this shirt (wait, I can almost reach it – how long has it been in this dark, dusty corner of my closet?) that used to look really good and now just looks outdated and makes me feel like I’m decades older than I am. Excited face and positive vibes – YES! This night is still going to rock, it’s going to be dark, right? Woo! I’m going to get an insane sugar-rush on diet coke and have the night of my life. I can feel it.
Um, heads up. I’m on my way but I’m sort of stuck in traffic. 7:00pm already? Start eating, I’ll be there by 7:30pm. Since when did traffic from the burbs into the big bad city get so insane? Okay, just parking. $10/hour. F***. Deep breath. Free night. Free night. Free night. Oh my God, SO good to see you guys! It’s been forever. No seriously, okay tell me everything.
Dinner was FABULOUS. That water was super hydrating and that $30 salad… yum! I’m pumped. Let’s [insert yawn] do this. Yikes, what time is it? 9:30pm, that’s it? I could have sworn it was midnight already. Yes, a joke! I was joking. The club is just around the corner? Is that a Starbucks? Espresso? Yes! Espresso sounds fantastic. Make it a double. That’s better. Oh, wow, the club really was just around the corner. Sweet! And they have good looking bouncers opening the door. This I missed. “Thank you kind Sir!” $20 bucks cover? Okay, that I did not. Do you accept dimes? Pennies? I think they’re on the verge of becoming collectors items! Right… here’s my plastic.
WOW! LOOK AT ALL THESE TEENAGERS! WHAT? THEY’RE HOW OLD? WHAT DID YOU SAY? THIS MUSIC IS SO LOUD! BUT SO AWESOME! I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE!
10:30pm. Water is bullshit. Screw it, give me a shot, I need to wake the hell up. Only two and a half more hours left? I mean ONLY two and a half more hours? Aw, man! Must. Keep. Dancing.
11pm. I’m just going to sit myself down here for a while. I haven’t worn heels in 6 months. My feet are on fire, I’m pretty sure I’ve suffered irrevocable damage to my left ear drum, and I’m coming into the very true realization that I’m old, tired and can no longer drop anything likes it’s hot. Also realizing it’s really un-hot. Mental note: Hit gym first thing Monday morning if haven’t caught deathly cold from staying up past midnight.
12pm. I’m a pumpkin. I’m a bloody pumpkin. A cranky, wrinkly, dried up pumpkin who wants nothing more than to roll all the way home and fall into bed.
1pm. Made it home. Babysitter is gone. So are my life savings. Never. Again. ACHOO! F*CK. I’m getting sick.
6am. “Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaama! Wake up!”